


THE TEST

by couldbecourfeyrac



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, hes such a fuckin mess, look its just angst, someone help my poor buddy bucky, talks about past shit and stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-16
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-05-24 03:09:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 1,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14946471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/couldbecourfeyrac/pseuds/couldbecourfeyrac
Summary: In which a soldier complies in hopes of remembering.ARE YOU READY TO BEGIN ?[   ] YES          [   ] NO          [X] MAYBE





	1. BEFORE WE BEGIN

_TO THE TEST TAKER (IDENTIFIED AS JAMES BUCHANAN BARNES, FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE WINTER SOLDIER)-_

_You are about to participate in a mentally challenging test regarding your past experiences, with the_ _hopes_ _that, upon completion, you will have recovered certain memories or provided us with information_ _that_ _can be used to_ _help_ _you._

_You may skip any questions, though completing the entire test would be preferred. You may take as much time as you wish for each question. If at any point you wish to_ _stop_ _taking_ _the test entirely, you may do so. Remember to be completely honest with your answers._

_Good luck._

 


	2. SECTION ONE: ON BUCKY

If the soldier's hand shook just the slightest bit as he turned to the first section of the test, he would never admit it. He wasn't sure he was entirely ready to do this, but he didn't think he had much of a choice. He wanted to remember. No, he _needed_ to remember. Sure, his memories would likely come back to him over time, but he didn't want to wait-not remembering was excruciating. So he picked up the pen, and began the test.

_ARE YOU BUCKY BARNES ?  
_

That was an odd question. Of course he was Bucky Barnes; who else would he be? _  
_

And if the answer was so simple, the soldier had to wonder why he was hesitating to write it down. _  
_

He was Bucky Barnes. That was his name. Or...it had been. He wasn't sure if he had any claim to that name anymore. Bucky was a lighthearted, laughing Brooklyn boy who spent his time teasing his siblings, protecting his friends, and flirting with almost anything that moved. He wasn't that boy anymore, far from it. _  
_

After a few more moments of deliberation, his paper read:

_ARE YOU BUCKY BARNES ?_

_[   ] YES          [X] NO          [   ] I ' M NOT SURE  
_

If the first question alone gave him this much trouble, he wasn't sure he would be able to finish the test. _  
_

_DO YOU REMEMBER BEING BUCKY BARNES ?  
_

He did. He remembered some of it, he remembered enough of it to miss it, to miss it so much that it hurt. _  
_

_DO YOU REMEMBER BEING BUCKY BARNES ?_

_[   ] YES          [   ] NO          [X] SOME OF IT , BUT NOT ALL  
_

_DID YOU LOVE BEING BUCKY BARNES ?  
_

Well...he hadn't exactly then. But now was a whole different question. _  
_

_DID YOU LOVE BEING BUCKY BARNES ?_

_[   ] YES          [   ] NO          [X] OTHER:_ **not then. but if i knew what would happen to me, i would've loved every goddamn moment of it, even that stupid war.**

_DO YOU REGRET WHAT YOU DID AS BUCKY BARNES ?_

The soldier wasn't sure if he did. He had lived a pretty good life before HYDRA got him-but maybe not one as good as it could have been. _  
_

_DO YOU REGRET WHAT YOU DID AS BUCKY BARNES ?_

_[   ] YES          [   ] NO          [X] SOME OF IT_

And that was it. That was section one. _  
_


	3. SECTION TWO: ON THE WINTER SOLDIER

The title of the section alone was enough to make the soldier tense, and it was then that he realized that this test might not help him. That it might just make things worse. That maybe remembering was less of a blessing and more of a curse. But he would keep going. The test gave the soldier hope, no matter how small, and he'd be damned if he stopped taking it now.

_ARE YOU THE WINTER SOLDIER ?_

This one didn't make him hesitate at first. Because he wasn't the Winter Soldier. He wasn't being controlled, he wasn't an assassin, he wasn't working for HYDRA.

And then he remembered something.

He remembered being the Winter Soldier in the Red Room, being the Winter Soldier when he was with _her,_ and not remembering everything but being undeniably himself. He was being himself and the Winter Soldier at the same time.

God, he hadn't known that was possible.

So maybe he was that again. Maybe. That wasn't quite right though, and his head was starting to hurt, so he just answered the question.

_ARE YOU THE WINTER SOLDIER ?_

_[   ] YES         [   ] NO          [X] MAYBE_

_DO YOU REMEMBER ALL THE PEOPLE YOU HAVE KILLED ?_

Oh, that was easy. They were the only memories that completely stuck with him now, ones he couldn't seem to lose.

_DO YOU REMEMBER ALL THE PEOPLE YOU HAVE KILLED  ?_

_[X] YES          [   ] NO          [   ] SOME ,  BUT NOT ALL_

_DO YOU WISH THAT YOU HAD DIED WHEN YOU FELL FROM THE TRAIN ?_

This question makes the soldier pause for a moment.

He had thought he could answer yes easily, and there was definitely a point in his life when he could have, when he would not have hesitated. But now... He didn't really know.

_DO YOU WISH THAT YOU HAD DIED WHEN YOU FELL FROM THE TRAIN ?_

_[   ] YES         [   ] NO          [X] NOT_ _SURE_


	4. SECTION THREE: ON MISSIONS

The soldier didn't want to do this section. He didn't want to think about the missions, didn't want to remember what he had been made to do, but...he would have to do it some time. Better now than never.

At least, that's what he told himself. He's not quite sure if he ever believed it.

_WAS THERE EVER SOMEONE YOU KILLED WHO YOU THINK DESERVED IT ?_

He had never thought of that before.

Well, he had. But never long enough for it to mean anything.

_WAS_ _THERE_ _EVER SOMEONE YOU KILLED WHO YOU THINK DESERVED IT ?_

_[X] YES          [   ] NO         [   ] I ' M NOT SURE_

_WERE YOU EVER ORDERED TO KILL A CLOSE FRIEND ?_

That was an easy answer. And then he paused, and added a note underneath his answer.

_WERE YOU EVER ORDERED TO KILL A CLOSE FRIEND ?_

_[X] YES         [   ] NO_   
**she was...more** **than** **a friend.**   
**can't say i followed orders, though.**

He couldn't help but smile a little at that.

_WHAT WAS THE WORST MISSION YOU WERE EVER SENT ON ?_

God, he didn't want to answer that. He didn't. He really didn't. And he could have skipped it. He had that option.

He answered it anyways.

_WHAT WAS THE WORST_ _MISSION_ _YOU WERE EVER SENT ON ?_

**stalingrad.**

 


	5. SECTION FOUR: OH HIM*

_* HIM REFERRING TO STEVEN GRANT ROGERS , ALIAS CAPTAIN AMERICA_

The soldier knew the ‘him’ the test spoke of before he even read the description. It wasn’t like they would ever ask about anyone else, anyways. Just Steve. And that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing.

_DID YOU LOVE HIM ?_

He didn’t pause at all. The answer to this question was woven into some of his earliest memories and it was clear to anyone who were close to them back then.

_DID YOU LOVE HIM ?_

_[X]  YES          [   ]  NO          [   ]  OTHER_

_DO YOU LOVE HIM ?_

The soldier wasn’t quite sure how to answer this.

He loved Steve, he really did. But he loved him differently than he had before. The loyalty and care were still there, but less so the desire for…intimacy, you could call it.

_DO YOU LOVE HIM ?_

_[X]  YES          [   ]  NO          [X] OTHER_      **platonically.**

_DO YOU REMEMBER EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM ?_

He did, actually. They were some of the first memories to return.

Those were memories that were taken from him, but less forcefully than others. He fought to keep them, of course, but they were not pried from his grasp like others he had fought with all his strength to save.

_DO YOU REMEMBER EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM ?_

_[X]  YES          [   ]  NO          [   ]  OTHER_


	6. SECTION FIVE: ON HER*

_* HER REFERRING TO NATALIA ALIANOVNA ROMANOVA , ALIAS BLACK WIDOW_

The soldier froze when he read the words.

He recognized that name.

He _knew_ her. And not just as a mission, not just as Steve’s friend, and for once not just as a nameless, faceless shadow at the edges of his memory.

Natalia. His Natalia, the only ‘her’ that had ever really mattered.

He remembered her.

Or, at least, he remembered some of her. Faint outlines, snippets of words, enough to think she was real, but, until now, not enough to be sure she was,

_DID YOU LOVE HER ?_

That was the only thing he was sure of when it came to her.

_DID YOU LOVE HER ?_

_[X]  YES          [   ]  NO          [   ]  OTHER_

_DO YOU LOVE HER ?_

Could you love a memory?

Because if you could, if that counted, loving the faintest of memories, then yes, he did, he loved her so much that his heart ached.

But he knew better than most that a memory was not reality.

_DO YOU LOVE HER ?_

_[   ]  YES          [   ]  NO          [X] OTHER_ **i don’t know.**

_HOW DID YOU LOVE HER ?_

Christ, this had to be easily the sappiest answer he had written so far. But it was true. And, when it came to Natalia, he didn’t remember ever really caring about how others would think of him for loving her like he did.

_HOW DID YOU LOVE HER ?_

_ANSWER :_ **desperately. like i needed her to stay alive. i loved her like she was the most beautiful thing in the universe, and i was helpless before her. in a time when death would have been mercy, i loved her so much that losing her was unbearable, even when they wiped me more than once.**

For that was probably his clearest memory of her: seeing her be dragged away from him, and how the last thing, the very last thing he remembered were the tears in her eyes as she called out her last words to him, though he was fairly certain that half of them she did not actually say, that he had filled in what it looked like she had wanted to say on his own.

What those last words were, he would never tell anyone. They were personal now, not something to be shared. If they were even real, that is.

Reality was always questionable when it came to her, it seemed.


	7. A QUESTION, BEFORE YOU CONTINUE

_As stated at the beginning of this test, this may hurt you mentally and emotionally. As a warning to you, it should be known that the questions you answered before are minor compared to what you will be asked next._

_DO YOU WISH TO CONTINUE ?_

The soldier considered his options, and came to an easy answer.

_DO YOU WISH TO CONTINUE ?_

_[   ]  YES          [ **X** ]  NO          [   ]  OTHER_

He got up and walked away, and never spoke of the test again.


	8. A NOTE

_Judging by our readings of his physical state while the test was being taken, the obvious emotions he displayed, and the answers given, JAMES BUCHANAN BARNES should not be tested further, even if he requests to be._

_\- S._

_[NOTE TO SELF: tease him about Black Widow, if and when he gets the memories back and things get better.]_


End file.
